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Is it wrong to rely on a friend to meet the needs your husband doesn't

 

 

Is it wrong to turn to a friend to fulfill your emotional needs when your spouse doesn’t?

Q: I have been married for 30 years to the same woman. Over the last two years I have become friends with another woman I know cannot have and do not deserve to have. How can I get my mind and emotions under control? My friend and I have never had a sexual encounter.

Q: My husband and I have been married for almost eight years. I’m still madly in love with him, but for a long time it has seemed like he just tolerates me. I work hard so that he can be a stay-at-home dad, but he just sits around. [Still,] I don’t want our relationship to end. The twist: I have a very good friend from high school who recently admitted he’s loved me all this time — 16 years! We’ve developed an odd sort of relationship. He provides my emotional fulfillment while my husband fulfills me physically. My friend knows I love my husband and doesn’t want me to leave him, he just wants to help. It’s a perfect arrangement for him, too, after several failed marriages. Is “emotional cheating” appropriate?

A: Friendship’s a great thing, but it can get tricky. Last year’s msnbc.com Lust, Love and Loyalty survey showed that often when somebody stepped out, the paramour was a buddy.

 

this articles was taken directly from msnbc.com 

You, questioner two, make your husband sound like a cross between Homer Simpson and a trusty vibrator. But a 2006 study published in the Journal of Social Psychology “indicated the possibility that, when a relationship is not able to fulfill needs or provide ample self-expansion for an individual, his or her susceptibility to infidelity increases.” Who can fulfill some missing need better than a good friend who also happens to have the complementary body parts especially if the friend has had “several failed marriages” in 16 years, “loves you,” but, like the government, “just wants to help.” (A quick and unscientific poll of people I happen to know indicates that zero percent of men and women over 25 believe that line. Madam, he doesn't "just want to help." He wants to sleep with you.)

Questioner number one knows he has a problem. Being a gentleman (or a realist) he’s trying to suck it up and get a grip on himself rather than blurting out that he’s in love with his friend. If he can’t, maybe he’ll have to break it off with the friend. Maybe he can develop new friendships, pursue other interests (golf, anyone?), and see less of the friend. Or maybe he can treasure the friendship for what it is, a vital, enriching part of life that he may not have had if he’d forced it to become something different.

As for whether "emotional cheating" is OK when no touching is going on, msnbc.com's survey of more than 70,000 readers showed that men and women have a different take on that one. Most women (65 percent) said they would be more upset if their partner fell in love with someone else than if their partner had a sexual affair, but most men (53 percent) were more worried about stealthy sex than secret emotions.